Day 4 of How to Survive a Family Road Trip: Zombie Food, Mansions & Wild Restaurants

What a birthday I…didn’t have. It was my mom’s. But soon my day will come! Despite the lack of celebration centered around me (though in my mind I’m always celebrating numero uno), I am EXHAUSTED, and have seen way more of Portland than necessary.

And remember the slew of trials and tribulations I went through to get a birthday card for her? Since that little fieldtrip didn’t work out, I was forced to improvise. I think she still appreciated what I made for her. I just hope she didn’t notice the page I tore from her travel journal to write it.

After I heaved myself from between the brittle springs of our hotel room’s pullout couch bed, and rubbed the dunes of sleep from my dry, bloodshot eyes (see what I go through for you hubbers?), I croaked my mom a “happy birthday” as best I could. Slapping myself around a bit in the process, I got dressed, and we headed downstairs.

Yet another free meal, this time provided by the Marriott’s Residence Inn awaited my family this morning. Oh, and what a breakfast it was. It was warm, which would usually be a plus, but in this case, just made the whole meal that much more unappetizing. Let’s just say, it was a lukewarm version of the other day’s breakfast, complete with strange colors and unrecognizable forms…

The breakfast wasn’t a complete failure—the food was, but the “experience” was beyond my expectations. A woman sat down at a table nearby with something very strange at her side. At first glance, I thought a mop had exploded and she was, for some reason unbeknownst to me, dragging it on a leash behind her. I guess some people really like their cleaning supplies… A closer look revealed it to be a pet-like creature, its face buried deep within at least a foot of wiry, white fur. Forget Swiffer, I’m switching to Pomeranian.

To start off my mother’s birthday extravaganza, we decided to tour the Chinese Garden. It would have been more fun if my sister and I hadn’t gotten lost and used the majority of our time there wandering aimlessly around the block-long garden complex looking for our parents. At least we had pretty plants to look at as we desperately searched for the rest of our family. Inanimate objects, like plants are so helpful in situations like this.

After getting a fair sense of this godforsaken city, it doesn’t surprise me that one of its most lauded local attractions is a heart-clogging haven, a dastardly little doughnut shop. Having been told that our next stop, Voodoo Doughnut (just one? Just one doughnut?) was “close by,” our parents forced us to walk the several blocks in the sweltering, humid, hundred-degree weather. Because, what’s more refreshing after a long walk in the heat, then greasy, sugar packed balls of fried dough? And what better neighborhood in which to take a long, casual stroll, than one crowded with babbling winos and flea-ridden hobos writing their names in excrement along the sides of nearby peepshows and BDSM stores? When we finally arrived at the doughnut shop (conveniently located right next to a an 18 and up, anime porn movie theater), we were met with a line that stretched out the door. After a nail-bitingly long wait (I was sure I would be mugged or raped soon, since I had so far been miraculously spared), we finally reached the cashier. With names like, “Dirty Old Bastard,” and “C*ck-and-Balls,” how could anyone resist these strange and filthy sounding treats? As you can guess, I was not particularly amused, but I was hungry, and I had barely survived life-and-limb to get there, so I thought I may as well try the bloody things.

The first bite sent me into nothing short of enlightenment—just for as long as it took me to bite and swallow, but I experienced it nonetheless.

Fourteen Voodoo doughnuts later, I was wandering the halls of the Pittock Mansion. My severe indigestion made it difficult to concentrate, but I was able to observe just enough to determine that the mansion was…nothing special. I mean, it’s no Greystone. Set on a measly 46 acres, only 1000 feet above Portland, numerous ornately decorated bedrooms and pristine baths that date back to the turn of the century are nothing special. I guess people back then were just used to a lesser different quality of life. Poor fools.

Because my mom has such a wide range of interests, or next two stops were, you guessed it, gardens. First, the Rose Gardens followed by the Japanese Garden.

With regards to the Rose Gardens: it was so hot, the majority of the roses were either dying, or a disgusting brown color. Not to mention, they smelled weird. Eww.

With regards to the Japanese Garden: if I wanted to go back to Japan, I would have.

 Well, that’s about it—I’m tired, and there’s not much to say about these gardens. I mean, how much can one write about plants?

I’ll let Chris2 fill you in.

Portland is filled with so many things to do, it would take much more than just my simple hub to cover all of the famous ones. Here are just a few fun options:

It was a little disconcerting to be walking around the city and suddenly find myself in the middle of an authentic, classic Chinese garden. It is only about a block long, but it was carefully designed within the space available, that it really felt as if I were walking along the grounds of some stately palace in old China.

Towards the back of the garden was a small restaurant run by the Thao of Tea company. Their menu offered a wide variety of teas under their brand, and a few small appetizer-style items of Chinese food. I didn’t try the food, but the tea was delicious.

Though, I have to admit, this store was in a very sketchy part of Portland, the store itself was really cool. Though it couldn’t have been larger than about 100 square feet, its walls were jam-packed with fascinating and gritty decorations reminiscent of an eccentric punk rocker’s hang out. The doughnuts were delightful, and were made ever more entertaining by their kooky (though racy) names. They were everything a doughnut should be: slathered in sugary glaze and incredibly soft. If I am ever back in Portland, Voodoo will be a frequent breakfast stop (I'll just make sure to bring my Mace).

These Rose Gardens are famous for a reason—they are absolutely beautiful. If you are a big fan of roses, it is sad to see the toll the hot weather has taken on many of the flowers there, but the ones that remain in tact are sure to be a wonder to behold. If you do go in the summer months, be sure to bring plenty of water. There is a tiny stand that sells shave ice and bottles of water, but for money-saving purposes, it’s always better to bring your own. The roses are all out in the open, which means you will be equally exposed to sun’s rays as you walk the grounds. Sunscreen isn’t a bad idea either. I forgot to apply any and I was lucky I did not burn. I also forgot to bring water, so I found myself running purposely in the path of the sprinkler water to cope.

The Japanese Garden, which is located just a few minutes’ walk from the roses, is beautiful as well. The grounds are huge, and you could easily spend several hours there if you took your time. The majority of the paths are shaded, which I greatly appreciated.

If you are obsessed with Japanese art and paraphernalia like I am, you will love the gift stores there. There is one smaller store near the entrance to the garden, and a much larger one further in. Both offer an array of authentic Japanese pieces, from obi to ink-block prints.

If you are in the mood for dining out at a restaurant that is the epitome of the eccentric side of Portland, try Wild Abandon. As the name suggests, the place is anything but ordinary. When you step inside, you immediately notice the strange lights hanging from the ceiling. There are clusters of whap appear to be brightly colored vintage lamps from the 50s and 60s, giving the place a dark, retro feel. There is air conditioned, indoor seating as well as a patio for outdoor seating. Sadly, I only got to see the indoor seating, but I assume the outside was just as funky. The food is a fusion of local and Italian flavors. It isn’t cheap, but you get what you pay for. The portions are decently big, and the food tastes delicious. I highly recommend this restaurant for anyone who enjoys funny, little hole-in-the-wall type places that provide good food and good service.