The Art of the Rave

 Isn’t it thrilling to know that at least one of your childhood, Disney-induced dreams can really come true? No, I’m not talking about finding that conveniently mute woman with a fish tail on your nearby beach. If you’ve read or seen “Pinocchio,” you will have heard of the fabled Lampwick’s Island, where our beloved wooden protagonist discovers pure joy and contentment on an island filled with an abundance of carnal pleasures. Luckily for you, such a place exists and it is only a drive away! And no, your participation will not turn into a donkey. 

A rave is probably one of the most awesome dance parties you will ever attend. They usually cost a fee, but it’s totally worth it! When a rave is thrown on a massive scale (over 1,000 people attend) it’s called—surprise surprise—a “massive.” I could go into the whole history of raving, as it is one of my most beloved pastimes, but, for the sake of practicality, and saving you your precious time (so you can use it for much more important things like pre-gaming to the max), I will spare you the unnecessary facts and stick to the interesting stuff.

Picture a rave, and what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Ecstasy, of course! Tried and true, this is your basic go-to drug of the night (a.k.a. X or E). Not that I’m saying you should do this, *cough, *cough, as it is an illicit drug. But it is absolutely essential to living the true rave experience. However you acquire it is up to you. Because Chris1 has a bad history with the authorities, he doesn’t take the risk of sneaking it in, and he suggests you do the same. Let the dealers be ones to risk life and limb! It’s their job, anyway.

“But isn’t that a little dangerous?” you may ask. You know what? Life’s a little dangerous sometimes! So, get over it!! And sure, purchasing a mind-altering substance from a complete stranger may sound iffy, but really, when compared to your other options, it’s just practical. Let me put it this way:

What’s worse: security finding those little pills, banning you from ever attending a rave, and forcing you to spend the night in a urine-soaked jail sell waiting for your mom to bail you out before your cell mate, Aldolpho decides to make you his special friend? Or, ingesting something you bought off of the friendly guy with the bleached two-foot tall Mohawk and banana-hammock made solely out of kandi*, who provides you with the finest in chemicals probably laced with something that will just make the whole experience that much more thrilling and unexpected?

Now, X isn’t the only thing you can party with. There’s a never ending list of options from which you can mix and match! So you don’t get overwhelmed, here is the Ultimate Trinity of drug duos:

Hippy Flipping

• E + Shrooms (i.e. mushrooms, magic mushrooms)

Candy Flipping

• E + LSD (i.e. acid)

Jedi Flipping

• E + Shrooms + Acid (not necessarily in that order)

Honestly, if you’re going to seek the Trinity, why do anything else but Jedi Flipping? Who doesn’t want to be a freakin’ Jedi!

Kandi is the jewelry of raves, the ritual adornment of the tripping masses. Simple beads on a stretchy string, they are easy, cheap and very fun to make, typically worn as bracelets up the arms. Make sure you start your candy collection ahead of time! Come rave time, if you find you haven’t made enough to completely cover all visible skin on both of your arms, you have failed. Utterly. And there is no point in you even trying to rock your pathetic few bracelets on your shamefully naked arms.

Don't get too attached to your kandi, though. The real raver knows how and when to trade to his kandi for one that looks cooler than his own. And if you play your cards right, maybe you'll even get a little more than kandi for your trade...

Start early enough, and you may be able to make some candy pieces that will put even the most seasoned raver to shame. Backpacks, belts, fanny packs, even hats and sashes—practically any piece of clothing or accessory can be made trippy-tastic when made only out of kandi. And I repeat, it must be made ONLY out of candy. If you want to really impress, add lights to your unique designs by attaching as many LEDs as humanly possible to the inside or outside. If you’re not at least slightly blinded by the light emanating from your kandi-coated masterpiece, why make it in the first place?!

These are essential no matter what substance(s) may be flowing. You’ll be dancing the night away for upwards of 12 hours, so make sure you pack plenty of food and drinks. For our newbies out there, food infused with marijuana (cannabis, pot, weed..), such as brownies, cookies, sandwiches, (quiche is my favorite) are the best choice to satisfy your hunger and have fun. Again, I understand that this is an "illegal" substance in many places nowadays, so make sure to follow the laws according to your respective area. If you’ve got a Medical Marijuana card, though—go all out!

What better way to stave off the resulting dry-mouth than with a few shots of alcohol? I prefer straight vodka, but really anything alcoholic will do. During this tough economic crisis, Chris1 has had to learn some innovative drinking methods. Luckily, there is an alternative to buying the pricy products at your nearby liquor store: just water down the stuff your mom keeps in her medicine cabinet with a bit of water, and that’ll do the job just fine. You may not be hydrated, but you will be high-drated!

Oh, and yes, of course I share the same prescription as my mother's.

This is probably one of the most important categories in this entire article. There is only one rule to follow. Follow it and you won't go wrong:

WEAR AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE

Yes, you heard me. Paint it on, if possible! Not only will this keep you cool, but you'll never be without a dance partner, in front or behind. Believe me.

Oh wait, and one more rule:

EVERYTHING MUST BE NEON OR DAYGLOW

Take advantage of those blacklights!

A word of warning: If you’re “rolling” (dropping E) you should invest in either an industrial-size tub of chewing gum, or a quality pacifier. Nobody likes the inside of their mouth to look like that guy from “Nightmare on Elm Street’s” face. Chances are, if you’re of the typical raving age (and the gods haven’t blessed you with skin like mine), your morbidly profuse acne has tragically mangled the outside of your face, so there’s no need to go overboard and chew up what little of you remains in-tact. 

Having recently attended my very first rave and massive just recently, here are some things I would have liked to know before attending, and some things I already knew.

Not everyone is going to be tripping on something illicit. Why trip or roll in the first place? Chances are, if the rave or massive you attend is as well funded as mine was, you will be sure to have a wonderful time completely sober. At the massive I went to, there were carnival rides, food vendors, a variety of neon light attractions, and several stages of heart-pumping electronic dance beats.

While some people may be there to indulge themselves in all of the trippy visual fare, I find the dancing the best of all. And really, there are so many lights and video screens projecting some incredibly crazy images the entire time that you are bound to feel as if someone had slipped something into your drink upon arrival. Which, brings me to another point: keep track of your food and drink at all times. No one really thinks it will actually happen to them, but if someone actually spikes your drink, needless to say it can have dire consequences.

We’ve all heard the stories of so-and-so’s friend getting “roofied,” but there are other possibilities as well. My mom told me a story once of a good friend of hers from college who was at a party, left his drink, came back, finished it, and had an almost lethal reaction to the LSD someone had slipped into it. He survived. With a price. His drink had literally fried a large portion of his brain, sending him into a permanent vegetative state. My mom still tears up whenever she brings up the story.

Though in this instance, the victim was at a college party, this same thing could happen to you at a rave or massive. The chances may seem slim, but there’s no reason not to keep yourself safe by keeping an extra eye on whatever you’ve brought with you.

If you are planning on taking a drug (or two or three) be extremely careful if you buy it off of a dealer at the event itself. Unless you know the dealer firsthand, there is no guarantee that what he or she gives you is actually what you are paying for.

Furthermore, depending on what you take, prepare accordingly! For instance, those taking X should bring water, but do not drink too much! There have been numerous cases of individuals drinking so much water, knowing that X dehydrates the system, that they actually water-down, or dilute their blood. This strange and disconcerting condition is known as water intoxication, which can lead to hyponatremia. Hyponatremia can be prevented by (obviously) drinking less water, and consuming an appropiate amount of electrolytes.

The science behind it is really quite fascinating, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll let you look it up on your own.

Be warned, you will likely be exposed to a lot of second hand smoke, not limited to that of a cigarette. So, if you plan on remaining completely sober for the duration of the night, and you find yourself amidst a miasma of strange-smelling smoke, get out of there. Simply move away from the fumes and calmly resume your dancing/eating/people-watching. You could also cover your mouth with a scarf of some sort, but I imagine that would be a hassle and too stifling after an hour or so. But, what’s worse: Accidently getting baked? Or, baking underneath a scarf?

The time of year of your rave will likely determine what sort of clothing you wear, but be aware of the type of venue. Some raves, like the one I attended, placed its stages all outside, un-tented. This was nice, considering it is the summer, and any extra trapped heat would likely feel horrible. But, just because you are outside, does not mean you won’t sweat like a pig.

 Regardless of the time of year, I recommend wearing light and breezy clothing. You’re going to be dancing like a mad man for a combined total much longer than you planned (almost 10 hours in my case). So, if you are indeed warm blooded—as I’m sure the majority of our readers are, though who really knows nowadays?—you are going to be getting an intense cardio workout. Unless you really suck at dancing.

If you plan on going to a rave at a cold time of year, you may want to wear layers. That way, you can remove as much as you see fit, depending on your temperature.

Always have a designated driver. And I repeat, ALWAYS have a designated driver. Just because you may not be pre-gaming or drinking at the event, don’t count on your high from whatever else you end up doing to wear of by closing time. You may think a few tokes at the beginning of the night won’t matter a few hours from then, but it is still safer to have someone completely sober drive you back.

Bring plenty of unopened water, or better yet, unopened electrolyte-filled sports drinks. I say “unopened” because the security at many of the raves will refuse to let you in with opened bottles. I made the mistake of drinking some of my water before I even got in line, and had to leave my water in the car. No one prefers water-fountain to an Evian.

Keep in mind, the food and drinks available at the rave are likely going to be overpriced, so it’s always better to bring your own to save a bit of money. But make sure to check the rules of your particular even beforehand, just in case food of your own is not allowed.

These are just the essentials:

- your ticket

- fully charged cell phone

- unopened bottled water / sports drink(s)

- food

- money (enough for anything you may buy once inside, and enough for a cab ride back in necessary)

- kandi (come on, you know you want to)

- neon everything

If I have forgotten to mention anything, I would appreciate it if you could comment and let me know! I'd also love to hear your own rave stories! So please post below!

But just remember, you’re likely to have more fun when you have less to worry about, so just play it safe and sober and dance like there’s no tomorrow.